I Solemnly Swear They Are Up To No Good
by Punchbuggie
Summary: For the Conversations With a Hat Challenge by Maraudercat. The Sorting Hat is having a bad day...why? It's sorting the Marauders, of course!
1. Black, Sirius

**Disclaimer: Nothing you recognize is mine.**

"Black, Sirius!"

_Yep, that's me. Just to let you know, I'm a very Sirius student._

'I had a feeling you'd be saying something along those lines...'

_Siriusly?_

'Enough with the name puns, boy, do you want to sit here all day?'

_No, sir. Hat. Sir hat._

'Your mind is quite interesting...if I were a smart hat I'd put you where you couldn't get into trouble, but...'

_Sorry, not possible._

'Precisely. I'm very familiar with your family, Mr. Black. A strong line of Slytherins, aren't they? Yes, I remember each of the students I sorted. Like I said, you come from a strong line of Slytherins, but...'

_I know. I've been told. I'm a...what did James call it? Oh yeah, a...'crayon from a different box'. Mum just calls me a 'traitorous rule-breaking no-good freak'. I prefer the crayon metaphor, but, you know, whatever works. Hey, hat, what color crayon would I be?Haha, I would be a black crayon, wouldn't I? Get it?_

'Normally, I would refuse to answer such a ridiculous question, but in this case, I think I will. Your colors are red and gold.'

_Wait...Siriusly?_

"_GRYFFINDOR_!"


	2. Lupin, Remus

"Lupin, Remus!"

_Remus Lupin, reporting for duty._

'You just relax, Mr. Lupin. It's me that's got the duty here. Now let me see...'

_Relax? Okay._

_Considered by many the greatest wizard of modern times, Dumbledore is particularly famous for his defeat of the dark wizard Grindelwald in 1945, for the discovery of the twelve uses of dragon's blood, and his work on alchemy with his partner, Nicolas Flamel._

'Mr. Lupin, are you..._reading?_'

_It's just a chocolate frog card. Is there a problem?_

'Yes, there's a problem! I can't see inside your head! Put the card back in your pocket, we'll be done in a few seconds.'

_A few seconds? Oh, excuse me. I didn't know._

'Hmm...very intelligent, a self-proven bookworm...and...a werewolf?"

_What does THAT have to do with anything?_

'My apologies. It means nothing, of course, as you have no desire to use your werewolf status for power.'

_Keep it down, will you? It's a secret!_

'Only you can hear me, Mr. Lupin. As I was saying, very smart, but...you don't see yourself in Ravenclaw, of course.'

"I don't see myself in _any_ house."

'You dare to speak to the Sorting Hat?'

_Yeah, I do, fancy yourself leader of the world or something?_

'Well, you _are _quite intelligent, but you have a certain...attitude. To put my diagnosis is more modern terms, you've got spunk, kid.'

"_GRYFFINDOR!_"


	3. Pettigrew, Peter

"Pettigrew, Peter!"

_There's. A. Talking. Hat. On. My. Head._

'Yes, yes, I'm a talking hat. Let's get to business, shall we? Hmm...'

_This is AWESOME!!!_

'Calm down, boy, I can't see into your head with all your excited muttering.

_But I'm not saying anything._

'Didn't they tell you I could read your mind? Now behave yourself and let me examine your brain function.'

_The talking hat reads MINDS? I wonder if it knows my favorite color..._

'I'm not here to play games with you. I'm here to sort you, and you're not making it very easy on me! Relax, and let me do my job.'

_One, two, three...four, five..._

'Stop counting the bricks in the wall, that doesn't do me any good, either. Well, I'd say you're well-suited to Hufflepuff, but you er...want to be in Ravenclaw?'

_Yes._

'You're not a Ravenclaw, boy! No offense intended, but you're not smart at all!'

_Am too! I got away from a mountain troll! All I had to do was kick it in the knee!_

'You can't lie to the Sorting Hat. That troll of yours was dead. Well, since you want to be a Ravenclaw and I want to make you a Hufflepuff, let's compromise. How would you like to be in...'

"_GRYFFINDOR!_"


	4. Potter, James

"Potter, James!"

_Hello, hat. Well, this is totally unnecessary, seeing as you could tell just from looking at me that I'm a Gryffindor, am I right? Well, anyway, I knew they'd make me sit up here even though we all know I was sorted at birth, so I prepared a little...presentation. Ready?_

'I am most certainly not going to listen to your "presentation." Sorting is up to me, and a student has never had characteristics of just one House!'

_Until me, of course. Well, if you're not going to listen, sort me fast so they know I'm a true Gryffindor._

'Quiet. Let's see...intelligence, yes. Bravery...arrogance...'

_Hey! Okay, my little speech is clearly needed. I'm James Potter, but you knew that. I'm a great student and probably smarter than everybody here. I'm a great Quidditch player! I'll be on the Gryffindor team in no time. But there isn't a house for good Quidditch players, is there? That's why I have so many other good qualities. I'm brave, of course! And nice—but that doesn't mean I want to be a Hufflepuff! Oh, yes, and I'm good looking...very good looking. Those third years girls over there have already noticed, see their faces?_

'Enough! You seem to have a different strategy than most students. I've already had three first years get up here and tell me what a beautiful, brilliant hat I am.'

_Would you like me to do that?_

'Hmm. As much as I'd love to put you in a different house just to spite you, I'm going to have to go with...'

"GRYFFINDOR!"


End file.
